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On Apology, by Aaron Lazare
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One of the most profound interactions that can occur between people, apologies have the power to heal humiliations, free the mind from deep-seated guilt, remove the desire for vengeance, and ultimately restore broken relationships. With On Apology, Aaron Lazare offers an eye-opening analysis of this vital interaction, illuminating an often hidden corner of the human heart.
He discusses the importance of shame, guilt, and humiliation, the initial reluctance to apologize, the simplicity of the act of apologizing, the spontaneous generosity and forgiveness on the part of the offended, the transfer of power and respect between two parties, and much more. Readers will not only find a wealth of insight that they can apply to their own lives, but also a deeper understanding of national and international conflicts and how we might resolve them.
The act of apologizing is quite simply immensely fulfilling. On Apology opens a window onto this common occurrence to reveal the feelings and actions at the heart of this profound interaction.
- Sales Rank: #169011 in Books
- Published on: 2005-11-03
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 4.90" h x .90" w x 6.90" l, .80 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 320 pages
From Publishers Weekly
This jewel of a book reveals the many facets of the simple act of apology. Given, there are significant cultural differences in the way humans apologize. "Japanese apologies are more apt to communicate submissiveness, humility, and meekness whereas Americans are more apt to communicate sincerity," writes Lazare, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Massachusetts Medical School. Under the surface of their differing presentations, however, in spite of their length or even sometimes their complete wordlessness, all true apologies are a kind of offering intended to restore the dignity and self-respect of the offended party, according to the author. An apology can work a miracle, inspiring spontaneous generosity and forgiveness on the part of the offended, whether it is a whole people or a single individual. Drawing on a vast array of literary and real-life examples, such as Agamemnon, George Patton and Arnold Schwarzenegger, from the current pope to the machinist who approached him after a lecture, Lazare lucidly dissects the process of apology: offering an explanation; communicating remorse, shame, humility or sincerity (according to our cultural values); making a gesture of reparation or reconciliation. Among the most moving examples in the book is Lincoln's second inaugural address, in which he apologizes for American slavery : "two hundred and fifty years of unrequited toil" enabling some to "wring their bread from the sweat of other men's faces." Just as breathtaking was the apology made by Kevin Gover, an assistant secretary of Indian affairs, for that agency's grave crimes against the Indian people. Lazare succeeds in showing that a true apology is among the most graceful and profound of all human exchanges. When it is sincere, it is not an end but a new beginning. "It is a behavior that requires of both parties an attitude of honesty, generosity, humility, commitment, and courage," he writes. Everybody on earth could benefit from this small but essential book.
Copyright © Reed Business Information, a division of Reed Elsevier Inc. All rights reserved.
Review
"At a time in our history when there seems to be so much to apologize for--Lazare's book is a wise reminder of how much depends on the sincerity and openheartedness with which we acknowledge that a wrong has been done and begin to work together toward forgiveness."--Francine Prose, Oprah Magazine
"Lazare, a gifted psychiatrist, distinguishes between genuine apologies and statements of sympathy ('I'm sorry for your loss') and pseudo-apologies of the kind often favored by politicians ('I'm sorry if you were offended by anything that was said').... The strength of this book rests in the stories of apologies that Lazare has collected from people, politics, literature and history."--Washington Post Book World
"This unique book is sure to set a reader thinking on many levels, but its ultimate message is the meaning and the magically transformative power of what would seem on the surface to be a simple apology. No one who becomes familiar with Dr. Lazare's perceptive interpretations will forget his sensitivity and wisdom."--Sherwin B. Nuland, MD, author of Lost in America and How We Die
"This jewel of a book reveals the many facets of the seemingly simple act of apology.... Drawing on a vast array of literary and real-life examples, from Agamemnon to George Patton to Arnold Schwarzenegger, from the current pope to the machinist who approached him after a lecture, Lazare lucidly dissects the process of apology.... Everybody on earth could benefit from this small but essential book." --Publishers Weekly (starred review)
"Traces the history of the world's most humbling act, exploring everything from Lincoln's apology for slavery to Arnold Schwarzenegger's mea culpa after allegations of breast-groping."--Wall Street Journal
"The culmination of the prestigious career of a man who has dedicated his entire professional life to improving relations between people."--The Forward
"Moving, enlightening, and potentially profoundly healing, On Apology is a timely gift for our era. Aaron Lazare sheds light on one of the most basic of human interactions, and on why people, and even nations, can feel so bad and then so good, on both sides of a true apology. His skillful storytelling and analysis touchingly reveal our common humanity, how we might nurture it, and how it is also sometimes ignored or betrayed. You may find yourself more than once in tears of empathy and uplift."--Jon Kabat-Zinn, PhD, author of Wherever You Go, There You Are and Coming to Our Senses
"A splendid treatment of a fascinating set of topics that touch all of our lives."--Sissela Bok, PhD, author of Lying: Moral Choice in Public and Private Life and Secrets: On the Ethics of Concealment and Revelation
"A detailed review of the psychology and process of apology...Lazare's contribution touches on basic human emotion and interaction and will be of interest to a wide general audience as well as to those in the healing professions."--Douglas G. Langsley, M.D., former president of the American Psychiatric Association
"Intimacy is healing, and apology is a powerful doorway to intimacy and healing. This is the most important book ever written on the value of apology. Highly recommended." --Dean Ornish, MD, author of Dr. Dean Ornish's Program for Reversing Heart Disease and Love and Survival
About the Author
Aaron Lazare, M.D., is Chancellor and Dean, and Professor of Psychiatry, at the University of Massachusetts Medical School, in Worcester, Massachusetts and Senior Psychiatrist at the Massachusetts General Hospital. He is a leading authority on the psychology of shame and humiliation, and wrote a highly regarded article on apology in Psychology Today that led to appearances on "Oprah," "Talk of the Nation."
Most helpful customer reviews
0 of 0 people found the following review helpful.
Five Stars
By F. Carret
Anyone who has ever fallen short of ideal behavior should read this book.
24 of 25 people found the following review helpful.
An astonishingly interesting study of one of the most profound human interactions
By tim can
Others have reviewed some of the specific details of the book so rather than repeat the same information, let me focus on what I found most useful.
While the parts of apology were interesting what I found most profound was the section on why apologies sometimes fail. It was enlightening to understand that an apology is not always a one time request for forgiveness, but often the opening of a negotiation between the parties. For example: When someone had hurt or betrayed us we need to understand that we really do share the same values otherwise we can't trust them and restore the friendship. Also the examples of failed apologies and how they can make thing worse than saying nothing and who amoung us has not recieved an insulting apology that hurt rather than healed.
I found myself mentally placing people I know into different situations portrayed in the book and could easly see why certain friends reacted the way they did to each other. I think you will do the same.
On apology is an invaluable tool in improving your own apologies and in understanding others. Be forewarned, you will never look at apologies the same again, never offer another flipant "I'm sorry" and never again accept one.
A honest and thoughtful book for those who really want to understand this most profound an potentially healing human interaction.
16 of 16 people found the following review helpful.
The missing link for forgiveness
By J. Stepaniak
So much has been written in recent years about the need for forgiveness. In Dr. Lazare's groundbreaking book, he points out how so little has been written about apology (his is only the second book devoted to this subject to be published in the past decade!), and yet a sincere and honest apology is essential for complete forgiveness. It is one of the main reasons so many of us hold on to grudges for years. We cannot fully forgive without this missing piece of the puzzle.
Dr. Lazare beautifully explains the differences between a "false apology" and a true apology, why people (and groups and nations) have difficulty apologizing, what constitutes a satisfying apology, and what rewards both parties (the offended party and the offender) can get from an honest apology. Dr. Lazare has done his research -- there are extensive references throughout, and the book leans toward the scholarly side. Yet it is well-written, thoughtful, and personable, and the author often interjects a few engaging stories about his own direct experiences with the subject, making the writing warm and personalized.
This is a book everyone should read -- parents, spouses, children, siblings, employers, employees, managers, leaders, politicians, teachers, physicians, healthcare workers, and attorneys. The art of apology should be an integral component of conflict resolution, mediation, and restorative justice. For those who have been injured or offended by the deliberate or unintentional actions of other people (and that pretty much includes all of us), real healing cannot begin until we receive the sincere apology we need and crave. For those who have injured or offended others (again, that pretty much includes all of us), we can't begin our own healing process without completing the full requirements of a sincere apology.
This book is a testament to how the seemingly simple act of apology can heal centuries-old wounds, bridge cultural and international misunderstandings, dissolve bitterness and resentment, and restore relationships of every kind. This is a book you will want everyone you know to read, and one that you will remember the contents of long after you close the covers.
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